


Kisses and Bedtime Stories

by Silverock



Category: RuPaul's Drag Race RPF
Genre: Fluff, M/M, Not AU, Smut, a tiny bit of angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-28
Updated: 2019-02-28
Packaged: 2019-11-06 12:10:03
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 22,839
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17939435
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Silverock/pseuds/Silverock
Summary: RE-EDITED! Right before heading on separate tours, Brian and Brian, Trixie and Katya, realize just how much they hate being apart.This is a story full of kisses, and how each one has brought Brian Firkus and Brian McCook to understand their feelings for one another.So much fluff and smut





	1. Chapter 1

**Brian McCook’s POV**

We were filming the last episode of UNHhhh before going on our separate tours. Brian is going on the Haters Roast across the country and I’ll be going on a different tour, in Latin America. There’s an uneasiness in my heart, hating it every single time my best friend and I tour apart from one another. Although we make an incredible team comedically, our performances are aimed at different audiences so, unfortunately, we don’t tour together often anymore. Every time Brian and I are about to be separated, we tend to drift closer together, laughing louder at the other’s jokes, holding hands more often than not, and spending more evenings cuddled together on one of our couches or beds, falling asleep to the end credits of some lame romantic comedy.

This time around, however, something’s graver in the air around us. Our stares linger on the other a tad longer, the looks on our faces more solemn. My feelings for Brian have exponentially grown in the years I have known him, and I dare say they are currently at a peak. Him and his boyfriend broke up over a month ago, and while I was certain he would be inconsolably devastated for months on, he seemed to be over the one-and-a-half-year relationship with an uncharacteristic speed. He was still unwilling to disclose all the details surrounding the break-up, but honestly, I couldn’t say that I cared all that much. A part of me that I’m not proud of was over the moon with happiness. Brian isn’t single very often, and every time he is, I feel like it might finally be my opportunity to show him how I feel. But, every time, my tongue gets tied and all I can do is provide him with a shoulder to cry on, a bed to sleep in, and an inappropriate joke about his ass.

We wrap up the episode with a terrible pun from Trixie, and me making vomiting noises, a classic. It feels all too final and I rush to the dressing room as soon as Pete yells “cut,” taking my wig off as I go, not wanting Brian to see me so upset.

“Hey!” He calls after me, entering the room as well and taking his wig off. “Since when do you avoid my kisses bitch?”

“What?” I ask, turning around to face him, having no clue what he was talking about.

“I was leaning to kiss you and you straight out ignored it!” Brian replies, his voice going high.

My heart sinks at that. Kissing Brian Firkus is legitimately the most transcendent and divine experience I have ever been privileged to have. His lips are like pillows, his tongue like warm silk, and his scent surrounds you like a thick blanket on a rainy day. I try to kiss him at any opportunity it seems fit, and relish at the joy of it every time he agrees, or better yet when he initiates it himself. Sometimes it is comedic kisses in front of the camera, sometimes chaste sweaty kisses on stage at the end of a show, and most exciting are the ones in the privacy of our homes, when he shuts off the lights and wishes me goodnight with a sweet peck of his lips, or the almost coy swipe of his tongue inside my mouth with the excuse of wanting to taste the chocolate I’m eating without gaining weight.

“Oh my god, Tracy, I would never!” I say adamantly, coming to stand closer to him. “Kissing you is all I dream about. Kissing you is the epitome of my desires. Kissing you is heavenly. Kissing you is all I want to do from sunrise to sundown for the rest of my life!”

“So the next three to four years?” Brian laughs, but I can see my words did something to him, because his blush suddenly becomes impossibly more intense. I really try not to read into these things when they happen, but he makes it damn hard sometimes. Whenever I catch him staring at me when I wasn’t looking, whenever he intertwines his pinkie with mine under a table as we’re hanging out with our friends, or when he brings me as close as humanly possible to him when we share a bed. But then I am always forced to remind myself that I’ll never be good enough for him; that he’ll never want me that way. I must say, though, that I am becoming increasingly willing to fight tooth and nail until he agrees to let me in. I might not get another chance, and that is unacceptable. Unthinkable. 

“Don’t do that to me mama, let me kiss you.” I am not in any way above begging for his kiss, pouting my red lips and blinking up at him.

What Brian does next surprises me to my core. Instead of pecking my lips, Brian grabs my face in his hands and crushes his lips on mine. There’s no better way to describe it. I’m at a loss for words, and frankly not looking for any, because my best friend is kissing me with a passion stronger than I have ever felt from him. He’s kissing with determination, lips gliding against mine, tongue finding its way into my mouth so easily you might think it pays a daily visit. I wrap my arms around his waist, returning his kiss with the same force and feeling the warmth of his body setting mine on fire. The kiss knocks me off my feet, quite literally, and I feel my knees bucking beneath me, only to realize it’s because Brian has swept me into his arms to place me on the vanity table. My hands travel to his short hair and I can hardly breathe any more, but as far as I’m concerned only a bulldozer is tearing my lips apart from his. He’s holding onto my hips and biting down on my bottom lip and Jesus Christ, I can’t help the moan that escapes me. The sound seems to encourage him to be vocal as well, and when I suck on his lip he groans and I have never been harder in my life. I have never been kissed by him in this way before.

Once we have sucked all the oxygen particles out of the room in their entirety, Brian detaches our mouths, breathing heavily and leaning his forehead against mine.

“You look insane.” He says laughing, pulling me off the table and turning me around so I could look at us in the mirror. We look crazy, and I burst out laughing. There is red and pink smeared everywhere on our faces, with the exception of our swollen lips that have been wiped clean.

“I actually think your makeup has never looked better babe.” I answer, winking at him in the mirror.

“Oh fuck the fuck off.” Brian laughs again, and surprises me by pulling out his phone and snapping some pictures of us, making faces at the mirror. I laugh as well, so drenched in the happiness that’s bubbling in my heart, but anxious to see what he does next. What did this kiss mean, if anything? This day has definitely not played out the way I thought it would and I have zero complaints.

We both remove the makeup from our faces and neck and change back into our regular clothes quietly, with me sneaking the occasional glance at Brian, who seems more bashful than usual. This kid is just so unpredictable. He shakes me from my thoughts when he speaks up again.

“I’ll see you tonight at Amy’s?” He asks, heading towards the door. Our friends are throwing us a ‘Good luck on tour and see your ugly faces in a month’ evening today.

“Of course.” I answer, not helping the smile that’s tugging at the corner of my lips at the thought of seeing him again today.

“See you then.” He says with a wink, and leaves the room.

I can’t wait.

* * *

**Brian Firkus’ POV**

Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck. I look at myself in the mirror of my bathroom and sigh, running a hand through my short wet hair. Ever since I left the World of Wonder basement this afternoon, I had been reliving what had happened in the dressing room. When Brian ignored my kiss in front of the cameras, I thought he was doing it as a joke, to tease me and punish me for occasionally refusing his kisses. Asking him about it jokingly was definitely not supposed to end with a hot and heavy make-out session, but I’ll be damned if I say that I regret it. Quite the opposite.

When he looked up at me with his beautiful blue eyes there was pretty much nothing else I could do but give in, and let myself be overcome with the desire to kiss him that has been eating me alive for far longer than I care to admit. And fuck but that kiss just proved to me everything that I already knew. I want Brian. I want Brian in every single way one can want another. As my best friend, my brother, my business partner, my lover, and everything that falls in between and goes beyond that. That kiss was nothing like any kiss we shared before, far surpassing my previously favorite one, that he gave me about a week after my most recent ex and I broke up. We were lying on the grass of my back lawn, laughing and staring at each other a bit too long, when he suddenly rolled on top of me and told me I’m too beautiful not to be kissed. I blushed furiously, but he didn’t see it because he kissed me without waiting for my response, touching his lips to mine and lingering as one of his hands stroked my cheek.

Shaking the memory with a smile, I start getting dressed and try to push back the nervousness that starts to seep in when I remember tonight we will be parting for a whole month. I absolutely hate being apart from Brian, despite the fact that we have by now mastered the art of long distance friendship. I wear a pair of jeans, a jean shirt, my boots, and top off the outfit with my favorite cowboy hat. Brian has admitted to enjoy seeing me living up my cowboy fantasy and tonight is definitely a good chance to indulge him. And myself.

I reach Amy’s apartment after a drive that was full of sweaty palms on the steering wheel and loud music in an unsuccessful attempt to distract myself. I knew I needed a game plan but I cannot for the life of me come up with one. Brian has proven time and time again that he belongs to no one but himself, and that you can never truly know what goes on in his heart. Even in those moments I catch him looking at me as if I hung up the stars and moon, I do not let myself believe he will ever allow himself to open up enough to admit his feelings. If he has them, that is. I feel so insecure around him, like a freshman who has a crush on the senior. Well, more like senior citizen in Brian’s case.

I chuckle to myself at that joke as I knock on Amy’s door, wiping my other hand on my pants since it won’t stop sweating. Fucking Katya and her influences. She opens the door and I hug her tightly, remembering that I also won’t be seeing her for the coming months. All of our closest friends are there, and my eyes immediately dart around the room to look for Brian, who doesn’t seem to be around. Amy notices, and whispers to me that he’s in the other room, taking a call. Her knowing smile makes me blush, because she’s the one person I cannot hide absolutely anything from, and probably the biggest advocate for Brian and I to get together. She has repeatedly told me that she’s on an arduous campaign of convincing Bri to marry her, and I better act soon before she makes him break. I try to shrug it off when she says those things, but she knows what’s in my heart and refuses to let me deny it any longer.

After I hug our friends, I go to stand next to Joe, making small talk as some of the other guys are preparing the slips for the main event of the evening - charades. Suddenly I feel an arm wrap around mine, as Brian slides easily into the conversation. I look at him with a smile and he returns an ever bigger one, all white teeth and dimples. Damnit, a man as old as him should not be so cute. He squeezes my arm occasionally as the three of us chat, and I need to control my rising goosebumps every time he does.

As the evening goes on I start relaxing more, and the fact that Brian and I are a power team that gets all answers correct doesn’t go unnoticed by me or anybody else. We have reached a point in our friendship where we understand each other even without words, even with one look, so this game is absolutely up our ally. At some point it gets a bit much, because our friends keep commenting on how perfect we are for each other, and I’m too embarrassed by my blushing to meet Brian’s eyes as they say it. I decide to let the rest of them continue the game alone, as Amy and I play with her cat and chat about my costumes for the upcoming tour.

Just when I’m about to head back and see what the others are talking about, a familiar pinkie wraps itself around mine and Brian is pulling me to the porch with him, a cigarette perched on his ear. When we reach the balcony, I intertwine our fingers completely, squeezing his hand as he puts the cigarette between his lips and gets the lighter out of his pocket. I stare at him as he looks out into the city, seemingly deep in thought, trying to light up. The wind is making it difficult and instead of detangling our fingers he turns to me silently. I cup my free hand around the cigarette so he could light it properly and he smiles at me for understanding him without words. When he starts taking deep drags, he wraps our joint hands around his shoulders and leans his temple against mine. This silent moment between us feels so comfortable, so natural, and the warmth of his side against mine urges me to do something I won’t have a chance to do at least for the coming month.

“Come home with me.” I say, not asking. I need him to come home with me, even if I have yet to figure out my game plan. I need him to be with me until the very last second before we part.

He replies by throwing away his cigarette even though he hasn’t smoked it all the way through, kissing my temple, and taking me by the hand to say goodbye to our friends, only releasing me to put on his shoes. I try all the while to figure out what I’m going to do once we reach my house, but he keeps looking at me with eyes darker than I have ever seen them, and I lose my train of thought every time.

* * *

**Brian McCook’s POV**

As we reach Brian’s house I try to get some sort of control over what’s happening in my head, but to no avail. There’s determination in his eyes as he looks at the road while driving, determination in the way he grips the wheel, and there was nothing but determination in his voice when he told me to come home with him. I wish, however, that I knew what it is he had decided. There were so many times I thought something major was finally going to happen between us, only to realize that it was going to be another night of cuddling and friendly conversation. I had no complaints however, god no, every moment spent with this man is a blessing, because nobody makes me laugh the way he does, and nobody understands me like him. It’s scary, knowing how much there is to lose.

He unlocks the door and walks over to the kitchen, asking me if I want coffee or tea.

“Coffee, please.” I answer, coming to stand against the isle in his kitchen as he turns on the kettle. He opens the cupboard above the sink to reach for the coffee he keeps especially for me, seeing as he doesn’t drink coffee, and pulls with it the red mug he bought for me to have whenever I come over. The domesticity of it is overwhelming, and I can’t believe I never realized how woven together our lives have become. We keep toothbrushes and a change of clothes at each other’s places, Brian has tiny hands strewn all around his house, and I keep extra guitar picks in my nightstand because he always loses his.

When he turns around to face me in the small space there’s something in his eyes I don’t quite recognize, and I subconsciously take a step closer to him. I search his gaze, my eyes flicking to his lips and fuck, he licks them, and that is my undoing. I practically jump onto him, wrapping my arms around his neck and kissing him for the life of me. He was a bit shocked at first, not immediately responding, but then he melts into my arms with a small moan, his hands wrapping around my waist and bringing me even closer. Making out with my best friend two times in one day is definitely something I have never experienced before, and most certainly something I am intending to make a habit out of. Our lips move together like a well-oiled machine, and when I try to slip my tongue into his mouth he welcomes it with the sexiest whimper I have ever heard.

The noises he makes, his hands gripping me for dear life, and this kiss that is straight out of my wildest dreams, make me lose all restraint I had as to shying away from what I truly want. And what I want is Brian. What I need is Brian. Luckily, Brian and I seem to be in the business of reading each other’s minds, and he moves his hands from my waist to my thighs, picking me up so I could wrap my legs around him as he leads us to what I presume is his bedroom. I cannot really tell, given that my eyes are closed because this kiss is burning me alive and I want to focus everything I have on proving to him through it how I feel.

My suspicions that we were headed towards the bedroom are confirmed when he flops me down on the bed, lying on top of me as he sadly detaches our lips due to oxygen necessity. He breathes heavily as he leans his forehead against mine, one hand near my head supporting his weight and the other gently stroking my cheek.

“Hey.” I say quietly.

“Hi.” He replies, smiling down at me.

“What do you think contributed most to the rise of populism in Italy in recent years?”

“Oh my god!” He laughs and rolls off me, and I’m so happy because a. his laughter is my favorite sound in the whole universe, b. it broke the palpable tension in the room, and c. it gave me the prefect opportunity to come lying on top of him, straddling his hips and attaching my lips to the skin that was exposed when he threw his head back against the pillow. As soon as I do that his laughter is replaced with a groan, and I continue placing open mouthed kisses along his neck, starting from right below his ear.

I feel his hands tug on the bottom of my shirt and I lift up from him with a final kiss, letting him take my shirt off. I follow his lead and take off his shirt as well. I lean back down again and start kissing along his clavicle, and then lower, latching on to one of his nipples. The soft moans that escape his lips turn me on to no end, and I need more, more skin, to touch him everywhere. I look up at him to gauge his reaction as my hands reach to the button of his pants and he nods at me with a small smile. I peel off the jeans, exposing his white briefs that are doing nothing to hide his bulging erection, that is miraculously not poking a hole through the fabric. So fucking hot.

I crawl back up his body and palm him through his underwear when my lips find his again. He bites my bottom lip then, and turns us back around, fumbling with the buttons of my pants. Once he gets them open he surprises me by pulling them off together with my underwear, letting my cock spring to attention against my stomach. He smiles up at me like a puma that is about to catch its prey, and when he kisses the head of my dick I lose my damn mind, my elbows failing to hold me up. Brian then licks me from base to tip, his hands on my hips and mine twisting in the sheets. He wraps his warm mouth around me then and starts working his way up and down my shaft slowly, teasing. I think to myself that if he won’t stop soon I might just explode under the spell of his warm mouth, and I did not reach this far with him only to be stopped by an untimely orgasm.

“Baby, come up here.” I say, putting one hand on his head just as he begins playing with my balls. He doesn’t seem to hear me, too focused on being a fucking blowjob wizard and moaning around my cock like it’s his favorite meal. I make sure to mentally store that sound in my head for the rest of my life, knowing the feeling of his mouth on me will undoubtedly store itself under the category of ‘Best head ever given by one human being to another.’

“Please, Brian, I need to be inside you.” I say louder, and this seems to reach him because he lets my member slide out of his mouth with a loud pop, and comes to lie beside me.

“There’s lube in the nightstand.” He says, looking sideways at me with deliciously swollen lips.

After getting the bottle from the drawer I see he’s palming himself through his briefs, eyes closed, biting his bottom lip. I think it’s probably the most erotic thing I have ever seen, even more than the hard-core German porn I used to watch in college. I swat his hand away, wanting only me to be the one giving him this kind of pleasure.

“Me.” I say, and resume to take off his underwear. His dick is long, and mouthwateringly thick, but I need to be buried so deep inside him I can feel his internal organs, so unfortunately there’s no time to take him in my mouth right now. I lube my fingers and look into his eyes as I kneel in front of him, smearing the moisture around his entrance and then slowly inserting one finger inside him. He lets out an exhale and I take it as a sign that I can start moving. I start teasing him as I slowly work my way in and out, gradually adding another finger.

“Come down here baby.” He whispers, and I obey. With my fingers still inside him I kiss Brian, pecking his lips again and again, enjoying their familiar softness to no end.

I then break our kiss and look down at him for his final, and most crucial approval. He smiles and nods, and this combination is confidently making its way to becoming my favorite of his mannerisms. I remove my fingers from him and he whimpers at the loss. I then take the bottle of lube and slather some on my harder than ever cock, making sure it’s fully covered because I don’t want to cause Brian any unnecessary discomfort. I throw the bottle aside and position myself at his entrance, intertwining our fingers together above his head and sliding inside of him inch by inch. He’s so tight around me that I wonder if I’ll even be able to bottom out without hurting him, and I groan at the feeling of being inside this man that I have been pining after for the past four years of my life. I crash my lips onto his once I’m fully inside, and we both moan into the kiss, overwhelmed by how electrifying being this way feels.

As I start moving inside him I let my tongue mimic the shift of my hips against his, working deliberately to drive him mad. Brian releases one of his hands from mine and uses it to hold my head to his, deepening our kiss even further and sucking on my bottom lip. I use the hand he freed to lace it below his knee, bringing it up so I could find his most sensitive point. I want to make this the best fucking night of his life, because there is no doubt that it’s mine. When I hit it he yelps and throws his head back, and the feelings of this moment are all too much for me, with Brian thrashing below me in pleasure and making the sexiest sounds. I feel myself nearing the end and I release his other hand as well, bringing my hand to wrap around his dick and stroking him to the quickening pace of my hips. I start slamming in and out of him with a force I didn’t know I have, pumping his shaft tightly and looking at him beautiful below me, basking in the joy of what we’re doing.

“I’m gonna cum baby.” I say, and Brian finally opens his eyes to look at me, mouth gaping and hands reaching up to scratch my chest. The second he does that I combust with a loud grunt, spilling into him what feels like fucking liters, riding the wave and not losing my grip on him. He follows me seconds after, yelling out my name and biting into my skin with his fingernails. He could tear me apart for all I care, nothing has ever felt this good, this raw.

The room is filled with heavy breathing as I exit his body and flop beside him, staring at the ceiling, not being able to wrap my head around what had just happened. Who needs 100,000$ when you can make love to Brian Firkus?

Brian gets up and walks to the bathroom, returning with a damp towel. He smiles down at me and cleans me and then himself. Once he throws the towel aside he comes back to lie on his back, and I immediately wrap my body around his, head on his chest, arm thrown around his waist, legs tangling together. I know these steps by heart, my body so accustomed to enveloping his. Brian wraps his arm around me and squeezes me to him, shutting off the lights and kissing the top of my head.

“Well that’s definitely something to add to the list of reasons I’m going to miss you while being away.” I say quietly, not wanting to disturb the peacefulness of the situation, but also not wanting to sleep without any comment on what just happened. I have absolutely no idea what it meant to Brian, and I know for a fact it meant everything for me.

“Are my puns and amazing sense of fashion on the list?” He asks cheekily.

“Every single thing about you is on the list babe.” I answer without thinking, kissing his chest. This is no time for holding back.

“I’ll miss you too. So much.” He says at almost a whisper. “Goodnight.”

“Goodnight Brian.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Important note!!! Just to make things clear, text messages will be written in Italics, and whether there is or isn't a period at the end of a sentence is intentional! Also, separate lines means separate messages.

**Brian Firkus’ POV**

I wake up slowly, stretching my arms and naked body against the cool sheets, letting my eyes flutter open slowly and take in the sun that’s seeping through the window. I turn over to my stomach, wanting to curl into Brian’s warm body, only to realize the bed is empty. Shit. I can’t fucking believe he left. The blood rushes to my cheeks and my hands fist in anger as I sit up and look around the room. As I do so, my eyes fall on my nightstand, where Brian’s folded shirt lies with a letter on top of it. It dawns on me suddenly that he had to leave early, because he was flying this morning to Mexico for the start of his Latin America tour. I relax immediately, a tad angry with myself for jumping so quickly to the wrong conclusion, but still so sad to have woken up without him. Last night was what dreams are made of, everything I could possibly hope it would be, and my skin is still tingling from all the places where his fingers and lips touched.

I reach for the letter and fold it open, smiling at Brian’s messy handwriting.

 _Good morning Tallulah,_  
_I stole your shirt and left you my own, hope you don’t mind. I needed something that had your scent to cry onto/jack off to at night._  
_Have fun on tour babe, and a safe flight. Please text when you land. Or before you board the plane. Or as soon as you read this letter, because I miss you already._

_I love you,  
B._

I smile like the biggest fucking idiot on earth, reading the letter twice more before reaching for my phone to text Brian. I don’t know exactly in what way he meant that finishing line, the ‘I love you,’ but I’ll take these words and cherish them with any meaning he chooses to grant them.

**Me:** _  
That shirt is never gonna fit me bitch_

I text him, hoping he still hasn’t boarded his plane. A few seconds later the app signals he read my message, and three dots appear as he’s typing back, the nickname I gave him years ago at the top of the screen – _The Wife_. I know that when he receives messages from me it says _The Husband_ , and the thought makes me smile involuntarily.  

**The Wife:** _  
Just wrap it around your dick then_

**Me:**  
_My statement holds._

 **The Wife:**  
_Well, after 4 long years I can finally confirm  
__Last night was incredible…_

I smile into my pillow when he adds that second message, so happy he is the first to bring it up, and to know that he feels that way. However, it wouldn’t be me if I didn’t tease him a little first.

 **Me:**  
_Yeah, a strong 7/10_

 **The Wife:**  
_Didn’t sound like a 7/10 when you were screaming my name_

Fuck. I blush like a god damned kid when I read that message, and my morning wood makes itself known by tenting the blanket a little. 

 **Me:**  
_Actually I was screaming my own name… I’m a bit self-centered in case you didn’t notice_

 **The Wife:**  
_Can’t really argue with that ;)_

 **Me:**  
_I had an amazing time last night_

I had to write that. I had teased him long enough and there was no way I’d let him get on a flight before telling him how much I loved our evening. It was one of the best nights of my life.

 **The Wife:**  
_Yeah I didn’t even have a smoke after… Must have really enjoyed myself  
Gotta turn off my phone now. Talk to you when I land_

 **Me:**  
_Have a safe flight!_

A second later I decide to add something that I’m feeling compelled to write.

_I love you_

Brian replies with a red heart, and then his phone goes offline, meaning his plane is about to take off. My heart, like the one on the screen, is beating fast and hard. One whole month without Brian is ahead of me, which is never a happy thought, and ever more worrying now that we have crossed the line it has taken has four years to reach. But now it’s clearer in my mind than it ever has been, Brian and I belong together. And I’ll do whatever it takes to make it happen.

* * *

That same night we already had our first show, starting in Seattle, as we’re going to be working our way down and across the country in this tour. The Roast was amazing, most of my jokes landed with no problem, and my outfit was a fucking show-stopper. It felt pretty good to reunite with some of my favorite queens, as well as close friends, like Willam, Jerick, Danny, Aaron and Ben. Luckily, the gang was exhausted enough from performing right after our respective flights that none of them insisted we go out, and all agreed to head back to the bus. We’re a couple hours before Mexico City, where Brian is, and I was hoping to be able to talk to him before I go to bed. I’m not quite certain where we stand after the earth-shattering events of last night, but either way I cannot go to sleep without hearing his voice, so I must push aside my nerves and make the move. As if he knew I was thinking about him, my best friend’s image flashes on my screen just as I remove my shirt and enter my bunk in the bus. I think we might truly have a telepathic connection.

“Hey shitface.” I answer the phone, smiling to myself.

“Ah, poetic as always Tracy.” Brian answers, and his sigh is accompanied by the sound of ruffling sheets. I’m imagining him burying himself into the blanket the way he likes to, and warmth spreads through my body at the sweet mental image.

“Yeah, the grey Seattle sky really brings the tormented soul out me of. How was your first show tonight?”

“Oh, it was amazing!” Brian says excitedly, and I smile at the sound of happiness in his voice. “Mama, those Mexicans act as if this drag show is the last thing they’re ever going to witness. My bag is packed with cash that I have all the intention to spend on ooky spooky jewelry. And gifts for you of course. How was the Roast?”

I laugh at his little rambling, so accustomed to it by now. “The Roast was so funny actually, and I’m super happy with the cast. I mean, if I’m gonna be a month away from you at least it’s with these guys.” I cringe a little at my slip, not knowing how open I can be with him about how much I think about him constantly. It’s one thing to write it over text, and a whole other thing saying it out loud. “How are you with the girls on your tour?”

“Well, I’m sharing a room with Justin, which is incredible since he’s always fucking his way through all the gay bars in the city, so I have my much-needed alone time. Matt and Danny are hilarious like always, Alyssa so far has managed to make it on time, Kim Chi is being her usual weirdly adorable self, and Jason has already tried to fuck me, which is very bold considering this is the first day of tour.”

I gulp when he says that last sentence, not really knowing how to respond. Jason tries to get into Brian’s pants pretty much every time they meet. He does it half-jokingly, not entirely expecting anything to happen, but definitely up for it. The thought of them together on tour for a month didn’t cross my mind until this very moment, and now I fear it won’t be going away anytime soon.

“Listen, after seeing his pixelated asshole I can say with certainty that I don’t recommend you to stick it up there.” Is what I manage to blurt out at the end.

“Yeah, I’m more into sticking it up autoharp playing assholes anyways so…” He drifts off at that, and I smirk like a dumbass, probably blushing as well.

“You found an asshole that can play the autoharp? Oh bitch, I need to get up in that gig urgently!” Brian wheezes with laughter at that, and I laugh at the sound, imagining him throwing his head against the pillow. I hope it’s soft. “How’s the pillow?” I ask without thinking, and immediately smack my head. I'm an idiot.

“Huh? Is that some kind of innuendo? Because I’m definitely down, I just need you to walk me through it first.”

“No, you piece of shit, I was literally asking about the pillow. I mean, I know it can’t be as good as my chest, so I just want to make sure you’re comfortable.” Fuck, I sound like the cheesiest and sleeziest guy on earth. How does he always do that to me?

“Nothing is ever as comfortable as sleeping with you babe.” He answers quietly, his voice lowering. The sound directly at my ear, with everything silent and dark around me, almost feels as if he’s right next to me whispering these words. I wish he were. “But I make do. How’s your bed?”

“Haven’t had any complaints.” I answer cheekily, stroking my bare stomach a little, trying to picture it’s Brian’s hand. He expectedly laughs at that and I smile, because all I want for this man is to have him laughing always.

“Your bed, you rotted cunt, not your head! I now have first-hand knowledge of that thank you very much, and I’m still working on the complete report to the ministry of blowjobs.”

Ugh, he can’t say those things while being thousands of miles away from me. I press down on my stomach to calm myself. “My bed is all you can ask from a three-story bunk bed in a moving tour bus. And I do expect to review that report before you hand it in.”

“No problem babe. And just so you know, flattery will gain you extra points.”

“Well, in that case,” I start, wrapping the blanket tighter around me and turning over to my side. I press my back to the wall of the bus, imagining it’s Brian’s chest, and wrap my arm around myself as if it were his. “You have the most beautiful eyes I have ever seen, your ass is absolutely phenomenal, and you’re my favorite person in the whole world.”

“Baby.” Brian whispers, and I can hear him moving around in bed again, probably getting into a similar position like the one I’m in. I love it when he calls me that, and even more when it’s a whisper directly at my ear. “How am I going to go a month without you?”

I sigh at his question, not really knowing the answer to it myself. It’s definitely going to be harder than it ever has been. But maybe it’s for the best – maybe the distance will give the both of us time to think thoroughly about what we want from one another. As sure as I am now about my feelings for Brian, I need to be positive they are reciprocated in order to make any sort of substantial move. Although, maybe the substantial move was already been made last night? Either way, I hate being apart from him, but I know he needs me to stay strong for the both of us.

“Oh, don’t pretend like you won’t love it, I know you were dying to get away from me already.”

“What gave it away? Was it my starstruck eyes when I look at you or my dick inside your ass?”

“Probably the repeated public statements about wanting to fuck me.” I answer, not letting him rattle me. Brian loves speaking crudely to get a rise out of me and make me blush and shy away, but I have the benefit of not being around him now, so I can be calmer and regain my confidence.

He laughs again and I hold the phone in both my hands now, as if it were his precious face. “Good thing I have Kim Chi here, I’ll just put a blonde wig on her and dry hump her when she sleeps.”

“Are you implying my body resembles Kim Chi’s? Because bitch, I will not stand for it.”

“Babe, I’ll hump a fucking lava lamp if someone glued your picture to it.”

“Shut up already,” I laugh, “go back to saying how much you’ll miss me and stop being a perv.”

“Mama I will never stop being a perv, it’s in my blood.” Brian says, and I smile because it’s true. “But I am going to miss you. I'll miss you like a third-degree burn victim misses her old face.”

“I love it when you’re being romantic babe.” I say jokingly, yawning as it’s getting quite late and the past 24 hours have been very eventful to say the least.

“You’re tired, I’ll let you go to sleep.” He says quietly.

“Stay on the line with me okay?” I say as my eyes start shutting, wanting his soothing breaths to be my lullaby.

“Of course. Good night Bri.”

“Night.” Is the last word I remember saying before falling into a peaceful slumber, dreaming of that day a few weeks ago in my back yard, our fingers finding their way to each other in the grass, Brian’s sun-kissed cheeks, Brian kissing me softly. In my dream, instead of him rolling off me, I wrap my arms around him and kiss him right back, and we make our way into the house, and my floor becomes a museum of our discarded clothes.


	3. Chapter 3

**Brian McCook’s POV**

About a week and a half into tour I’m on cloud fucking nine. The shows are going incredibly well, with high energies and amazing audiences, the food is off the charts, the views we get to see on the way are beautiful, and of course, my favorite part, Brian, making his presence in my life ever more prominent. We have spoken to each other almost every night, falling asleep to the sound of one another’s breaths. Last night we video called for the first time, and the smile that graced his stunning face when the call connected was breathtaking. He was in the bus’s sitting area with the rest of the queens, who decided to have an indoor cocktail evening. He was slightly tipsy, and it was absolutely adorable, including me in their conversation as if I was there with them. Then he parted from the guys and took me with him to his bunk, whispering in the sweetest voice about how much he misses sleeping with me, and how he loves looking at me when he wakes up before me in the morning. He asked me then to tell him something about me that he doesn’t know. I told him that when I was in rehab, they told us that whenever we feel the need to use, we should close our eyes and vividly picture the most important person in our lives. And that’s him for me. I told him the image of his face is what got me through rehab and what still gets me through on days that I’m struggling. It sounded as if he was crying when I told him that, but it was dark and I couldn't really see. He simply replied by telling me that he’ll always be by my side, and that we’ll get through everything together, and that he loves me. That was the last thing I heard when I fell asleep, dreaming about that rainy day half a year ago when we ran hand in hand to find shelter under the nearest large tree, and shared a chaste kiss that tasted like something new.

This morning I decided to wake up extra early, so I could get in a couple hours of yoga before Justin comes back from the trade of the night. After stretching for a long while, I started my routine, going through it and becoming more and more relaxed as I go. I love the feeling of peace that comes with the intersection of body and soul. Just as I finish and do my final stretches, the door to the room opens and a disheveled and tired looking Justin struts in with a couple cups of coffee.

“Morning little tramp.” He says, handing me the coffee which I gracefully accept.

“Good morning dear, you’re looking particularly unkempt today.”

“Girl, you do not wanna know what I have been through tonight. You should see the other guys though.” He says, winking and going to sit on his bed that he has yet to actually sleep a night in. “You know, it’s not very lady-like of you that you don’t let your tricks spend the night.”

I gulp at that, burning my tongue a bit on the hot coffee as I let it seep down my throat. “I haven’t had any.” I say, staring down at my cup.

“Excuse me?!” Justin practically yells, and then immediately regrets it as he remembers his most likely pounding headache.

“Yeah, I’m not really feeling up for it.” I hope he drops the subject, but know my friend better than to expect that he would.

“Honey, we’re in Latin America, we are literally going from country to country that is filled with precisely the type of guys you have told me in great detail how much you enjoy fucking. What's the tea?"

Now, Justin has become one of my closest friends, and I do trust his opinion a lot, but this issue is complicated, and I’m not sure what I should reveal. “It’s just that I have something going on back home, and I don’t wanna do what I always do and ruin it, you know?”

“Is it who I think it is?” Who does he think it is?

“Who do you think it is?”

“Oh my god, Brian, don’t play dumb with me, I’ve known you too long for that. Tracy!”

Shit.

“Umm… How did you… Why do you think it’s Brian?” I ask, giving too much away already.

“Babe, since the beginning of this tour all I see you do is text with him or post tweets and pictures about him on social media. Plus, let’s keep it real sister, knowing you I would say there’s probably no other man out there who could get you to settle down besides that guy.”

“Yeah, I would do anything for him.” I smile to myself, still not meeting his eyes. And it’s true, I am absolutely willing and intending to dedicate my life to making Brian Firkus smile.

“Then what’s the problem? Why do you seem so solemn?” Justin knows me too well…

“Because I don’t know if I’m the right person for him, or if I ever can be. I smoke, I’m an addict, I’m old… At the end of the day, more than anything else, he’s just a good-hearted kid who has his whole life ahead of him. And after the pain I put him through with my relapse, and seeing him heartbroken when his exes were being jerks, I just don’t wanna become another one of his heartbreaks. I never want to put him through that type of pain. So maybe it’s just better to refrain, you know?”

“Listen, Brian,” Justin starts and comes to sit down next to me on the bed, grabbing one of my hands in his. “When Aaron and I broke up it was very clear why. The relationship was absolutely toxic, and at some point, I had to understand that love just isn’t enough. But you guys don’t just love each other, you have so much more than that. You… You nourish each other, and make each other grow, and become better people. It isn’t just one sided. Brian became so much more open since he met you, and people love the two of you together because the love that you exude is just so pure and unfiltered, and you live in balance with one another. Nobody can balance that clown out like you.”

At that I finally meet Justin’s eyes, and I can see that he meant every word he said. Maybe he’s right. Maybe it’s time to trust myself, and let myself believe that I can be the type of man who deserves to have Brian. More than that, it’s time to prove to Brian I can be that man.

“I hope you’re right.” I smile at my friend.

“I know I am, girl. And if not, Jason is always down to fuck.” He laughs, and I make vomit sounds because as much as I love the guy, I’m definitely in no universe going to tap that. There’s only one person for me. Just as I lean in to hug Justin, my phone buzzes with a new notification. Brian tagged me in a tweet.

_Today @Katya_Zamo and I are 4,743 miles away from each other, aka 4,743 miles too far_

“Speak of the devil.” I say with a smile tugging at the corner of my mouth, showing Justin Brian’s tweet. He gives me a knowing smile and I scrunch my nose, because damnit my best friend is so sweet, and I miss him terribly. I reply to his tweet.

_They say distance makes the dingaling grow harder..._

* * *

**Brian Firkus’ POV**

The good thing about the Haters Roast is that by the third show you’ve already memorized everybody’s jokes, and you’re pretty much free to do whatever you want until it’s your set. I decide to use that time for the best purpose there is, texting Brian, hoping I’d be able to catch him before his own show starts. I take a picture of Jinkx and send it to him.

 **Me:**  
_I think this set is turning me narcoleptic as well_

Seconds later Brian starts typing, meaning he hasn’t gone on stage yet and we have time to chat.

 **The Wife:**  
_Well at least someone is… I have literally never seen the bitch sleep, I think the whole thing is a scam_

 **Me:**  
_I thought I saw her sleeping once, but then I realized it was alcohol poisoning and she was passed out_

 **The Wife:**  
_Please tell me you have footage of that!_

 **Me:**  
_I do, but I’m only willing to share if you send me the video of Ginger’s reaction when you told her I’m your best friend_

Thank god for Roy who graciously taped that beautiful moment in American history when Brian finally set records straight. The look on Josh’s face was actually fucking precious, I shed tears while laughing. But the cunt made Roy send him the video and then delete if from his phone, so Bri has the exclusive footage.

 **The Wife:**  
_I’ll show you mine if you show me yours first ;)_

 **Me:**  
_I’m not whipping my dick out in public!_  
Again…  
Also, send me a picture of you so I could disapprove please

He sends me then a picture of himself, fully Katya in all her glory, a beautiful wavy blonde wig that reaches his shoulders and a short bodysuit that doesn’t do much to cover his bulge.

 **Me:**  
_That’s one meaty tuck mama_

 **The Wife:**  
_Well it was fine a minute ago but then you started talking about your dick and look what happened!_

I laugh at that, so pleased to know I can always get a rise out of him, even with only a few words.

 **Me:**  
_Well, I’m not the only one. Jinkx is currently on a stream of jokes about my dick_

 **The Wife:**  
_What could she possibly make fun of??? It’s the best cock I’ve seen in my life, hands down._

I blush fucking furiously at that, and my own tuck becomes a bit too meaty for the fact I’m wearing a tight jumpsuit. Thank god for sitting behind a desk.

 **Me:**  
_Oh don’t worry, she’s just talking about how big it is, the usual…_

 **The Wife:**  
_Have you been parading around in the nude again mother?_

 **Me:**  
_I learned from the best_

 **The Wife:**  
_Willam?_

 **Me:**  
_Willam._

 **The Wife:**  
_Ok I need to head to stage now. Seriously, what do you think of the outfit?_

 **Me:**  
_You look beautiful Katya, the most dignified woman to grace this earth_

 **The Wife:**  
_En route to pound her pussy onto a filthy stage_

 **Me:**  
_Just make sure not to catch any STDs while you’re at it, these Brazilian floors are not to be trusted_

**The Wife:** _  
Baby I put the sexual in sexually transmitted disease_

**Me:**  
_I think I just threw up in my mouth a little_

 **The Wife:**  
_Oh I love it when you talk dirty to me_

 **Me:**  
_This conversation ends here Brenda._

 **The Wife:**  
_Going on stage, send me happy thoughts!_

 **Me:**  
_I’ll send you an arrest warrant_

 **The Wife:**  
_Only if you promise to wear a cop uniform and handcuff me big boy_

Bitch really is trying to test my limits, knowing how usually I shut down this type of talk. But, this new territory in our dynamics is quite fun to explore, and I’m determined not to let him rattle me.

 **Me:**  
_I’m open for negotiation._

 **The Wife:**  
_Talk to you tonight, I’ll make sure to have all the necessary paperwork_

 **Me:**  
_Please include a copy of your most recent check up at the vet_

 **The Wife:**  
_Great, my tuck is now vegan-friendly again you skank_

 **Me:**  
_You should be grateful!_

 **The Wife:**  
_I’m always grateful for you._

And then he goes and says that. I’m used to Brian being a crude slut talking about sex 24/7, but this is a different side of him. This is a side of him he used to show me only in actions, and that I was left to assume from the way he looked at me, or the way he kissed me. I love this new openness between us, and I’m slowly letting myself believe that we can work out after all.

 **Me:**  
_Speak soon baby, good luck xxx_


	4. Chapter 4

**Brian Firkus’ POV**

I wake up slowly, stretching my arms and legs in the small space of the bunk bed, and opening the curtain slightly let some light in. The road is beautiful, and I reach out to my phone that has fallen near my pillow sometime during the night. The phone call with Brian is still connected, meaning he’s still asleep, and I put the phone to my ear to listen to his light snoring. It’s disgustingly cliché and I will never admit to how much I’ve grown to love that sound. I close my eyes and let my mind drift to about a year ago, waking up in Brian’s bed to the sound of his soft snores in my ear, his arms wrapped around me protectively. I remember turning over slowly, so as not to wake him up, and looking at his sleeping face. I gave him a gentle kiss, because I couldn’t help myself. Seeing Brian so at peace is not something that happens very often, considering his inner battles, and it is nothing less than a privilege.

It occurs to me, as I smile at the memory, that I have never felt guilty for doing these things with Brian, despite being in a relationship. It never felt to me as if I was cheating, and it still doesn’t, because my love for Brian is so big that there was nothing else I could do but try to spend every possible moment with him, there was nothing else I could do when he was tickling me to get the remote-control but kiss him. While I loved David, and respected him entirely, nothing could ever compare to the bond between Brian and I. Loving him was inevitable, and effortless.  

I hang up the 8-hour call and send Brian a quick text.

 **Me:**  
_You snore like an old man._

I then look out the window and see that we're getting closer and closer to Chicago, the city where I truly evolved as a young drag queen. I take a picture and send it to Kim Chi, hoping he’s already awake.

 **Me:**  
_Nearly in Chicago. I’ll take good care of it for you ;)_

About a minute later he replies.

 **KimChi:**  
_It’s funny how after all these years you think I trust you with anything_

 **Me:**  
_How’s tour been you whore?_

Since I spent most of my free time on this tour either hanging with the queens, playing my guitar, or talking to Brian, I haven’t had much time to check up on Kim Chi, only every few days, and I feel a little bad about it.

 **KimChi:**  
_Actually so good. The food is fucking fantastic_

 **Me:**  
_Yeah, didn’t think you’d pass on eating your way through Latin America  
How are the girls? I know you’re not that close with many of them…_

Please mention Brian.

 **KimChi:**  
_Actually they’re great, better than I expected!  
But you need to take control of your woman_

Fuck. What does he mean by that? Has Brian been doing things he wasn’t telling me?

 **Me:**  
_What did she do now?_

I try to play it down, because I’m not really ready to talk to anyone about the new situation between Brian and I, not even with Kim Chi. I’m still trying to figure things out and it’s best to wait.

 **KimChi:**  
_The bitch literally does not shut up about you, it’s getting annoying_

I smile to myself when I read that, and then read it again a couple of times before calming myself and replying.

 **Me:**  
_What has the dumbass been saying?_

 **KimChi:**  
_Every time we go shopping she says we have to remember to find something for you as well, every time we see anything remotely pink she goes “oh my god Trixie would love that”, she keeps telling stories of things you two did together, or even stories just about you, she’s fucking insane_

Yeah, Brian is absolutely crazy. But he’s my crazy…

 **Me:**  
_What can I say, I’m a chick magnet_

 **KimChi:**  
_The man is in love with you Tracy._

Shit. Every few months Kim Chi would tell me that, and it never stops shaking me. The first time he told me Brian’s in love with me was literally after the first time they ever met, when he found it weird that Brian keeps reaching out to hold my hand and play with my fingers. The next time he told me that, was a few months later, when we were sitting in my house and suddenly my doorbell rang and a package was waiting. I opened it to find a stunning, and pretty rare, barbie doll house. It had a letter stuck to the roof:

_Every barbie needs a dream house.  
B._

I immediately called him and asked him what the gift was for, and he answered simply – “You’re my best friend, I don’t need a special reason to buy you a gift.” Upon hearing that, Kim Chi immediately said that he’s positive Brian’s in love with me. And so the tradition lasted, and every few months something happens that makes him say it. Only now, it might actually be true, and that’s scary and exhilarating all at once. Maybe it always has been true, and maybe it still isn’t, but I’m leaning towards the former more and more.

 **Me:**  
_The man is mentally unstable, is what he is_

 **KimChi:**  
_He has to be to love someone like you_

And that’s true. And maybe it is time to let Kim Chi in a little. He is one of my closest and dearest friends in the world, and I trust him.

 **Me:**  
_I think I'm in love with him too…_

His reply surprises me.

 **KimChi:**  
_Are you seriously only now figuring this out???_

 **Me:**  
_Excuse me?_

 **KimChi:**  
_Brian, you’ve been in love with that psycho since the first time he burped your way._

When he uses my name like that I know he means business. His words make me wonder if I had really been that blind for that long.

 **Me:**  
_What makes you say that?_

 **KimChi:**  
_Listen, I won’t go all deep and touchy-feely with you because that’s not really my gig. But the moment I knew for certain was like a year and a half ago, when you just started dating David and you were super excited about him. We were all doing a show together and I opened the door to the dressing room, but you and Katya didn’t notice, and you were just looking at him while he was doing his makeup. You were already finished with yours, but you turned his chair and kissed him, even though you knew it’d screw up your makeup. And he looked so happy when you did that and you just smiled and fixed your lipstick. I just realized in that moment that you could date a hundred more guys, but you will never love anyone as much as you love him. And that’s my take on it and now my fingers hurt from typing_

I read his message over and over again, registering his words. I remember that night vividly, how stunning Katya looked, how blue Brian’s eyes seemed with the black eyeshadow around them, how I felt compelled to kiss him, and how he smiled like an idiot when I did. I remember how I stopped caring about getting red lipstick on me if it means I get to kiss him…

 **Me:**  
_You’re a good friend._

He really, really is.

 **KimChi:**  
_Glad it took you so long to realize!_

Yeah… apparently I’m not too good at realizing things on time. But I’m getting there.  

* * *

After another successful show the queens and I de-drag. They invite me to go clubbing with them and hunt down trade, and Willam offers me to join in on a threesome he had arranged over grindr during the show. I gracefully decline and tell them that I’m feeling a little under the weather, and prefer to head back to the bus. In all honesty, the conversation I had with Kim Chi keeps playing in my mind and I just feel like I need to hear Brian’s voice, and try to see if we’re on the same page at all. Earlier today he told me that he won’t be going out tonight, because he misses me and has no show this evening, meaning we can talk for as long as I’m able to keep my eyes open.

I reach the bus and take off my shoes, shirt, and pants, going to the toilet to have a quick shower and brush my teeth. As I rinse myself I close my eyes and let my mind wander, imagining Brian in the small stall with me, running his hands over my body and kissing me everywhere. Our night together was out of this world, but definitely not nearly enough, and my fingers itch to touch him again. Once I get out of the shower and dry myself, I slip into a clean pair of boxers and get settled into bed, shooting Brian a text to let him know I’m back from the show and free to talk.

 **Me:**  
_In bed, call when you can x_

Not even three seconds pass before his picture flashes on my screen, his teeth filling up almost all of it. It’s a picture of his that I took right after kissing him, planning it in advance because I wanted to document the gigantic smile he always wears when I do that. God, how did I not realize how fucking in love with him I was all this time?

I wrap the blanket tightly around me as I lay on my back, one hand splayed on my chest to calm my breathing and the other putting the phone to my ear.

“Hey.” I answer, a bit more breathless than I had hoped to sound.

“Hi baby.” It still gives me a rush when he calls me that in such a soft voice. “How was the show tonight?”

“Well, repetitive, but wonderful nonetheless. The crowd was in hysterics the whole time, and the fans in the meet and greet had pretty much every piece of Trixya merch we ever released.” I smile at the memory, loving so much that I get to share and celebrate my success with my best friend. “What were you up to this evening?”

“Oh, just dinner with the girls, spilling some tea as the kids on the street say.”

“Anything interesting?”

“Just them finding out they’ve hooked up with a lot of the same people during tour, the usual.” I laugh, because this is quite typical in our community. “Did you not go out tonight? You’re back early.”

“Yeah, I preferred to stay in because the guys are out on the prowl and I’m not really down for that.” And it’s true, the thought of trying to hook up on this tour has not even crossed my mind. All that I've been thinking about is Brian, how his voice makes me happy, how I want to hold him in my arms again, how I want to feel his lips on mine again.

“And why is that?” Brian asks with a tone that suggest he knows exactly why, but wants me to tell him anyway.

“Well, _my_ prey is currently making his way through South America one shake-and-go wig at a time so…” I smile cheekily to myself, the distance between us is making me braver than normal 

“Is that so…” He says with a voice that oozes smugness, and I can tell he’s smiling. Then, however, a thought I haven’t really considered before uninvitedly enters my mind. Has Brian been getting tricks on this tour? Has he been hooking up on the nights when he went out with the other queens? I decide not to let my nerves get the best of me, and simply be straightforward and ask.

“Have you been… prowling?” I bet he can hear the uncertainty in my voice, but I had to know.

“Of course not!” He answers, and I audibly sigh with relief. “Why would I do that when I have the most amazing thing waiting for me back home? I mean-“ He starts to correct himself, probably feeling that he had said something he shouldn’t have, or that he shouldn’t have assumed.

“I am. I am waiting, baby.” I tell him quietly, wanting him to know I absolutely do mean it. I can’t wait to see him again.

“God, Brian, I can’t stop thinking about the night before I left.” He whispers this, and it send shivers down my spine, because I feel the exact same. The mere memory of it raises goosebumps on my skin.

“Neither can I. It was perfect.”

“There are so many more things I wanna do with you. To you.” Fuck. Me. I need him to tell me everything.

“Like what?” I ask him, and let my hand drift down to graze the part where the line of my boxers meets my stomach, caressing the soft skin there because I need to be touched urgently.

“Brian I wanna eat you out for three hours straight baby.”

I gasp a little, my breath stuck in my throat. I can't wait to feel his mouth on me. “What else?” I ask him, letting my hand drift even lower, and palming myself through the fabric of my underwear. Shit that feels good.

“I want your cock in my mouth so bad Bri. I wanna lick it from base to tip, and suck the head, and scratch your sexy thighs while I take you all in.” At that I close my eyes tightly, letting the mental image he drew become excruciatingly vivid in my head.

“Babe I wanna… Can I- Can I touch myself?” I ask him breathlessly.

“Way ahead of you baby.” He says laughing, and I laugh too because I should have guessed.

“How does it feel?” I ask him after I peel off my underwear. I wrap my hand around my hard shaft that’s already leaking with pre-cum and give a few tugs, immediately feeling relieved, and so ready to hear his answer.

“Not nearly as good as your mouth.” He says, and my mind goes back to the incredible sensation of having him hit the back of my throat. 

“Baby I want you buried so deep inside me, I want to feel your hands and your lips all over me.” I tell him, and I quicken my pace and tighten my grip around myself, picturing everything I say. Through the line I can hear Brian's quiet moans and they make my whole body vibrate.

“Bri I’m gonna make you scream, I promise. I need to see you going crazy.”  

“I’m so close Brian, tell me something more.” I groan as I can feel my release approaching, fueled by his own sounds which are driving me insane.

“Baby I’m gonna fuck you so hard you won’t be able to walk for a week.” And that does it, and I’m cumming without stop, feeling the warmth cover my stomach as I call out Brian’s name. “Yeah baby, you’re gonna scream that name all night.” Brian groans at the end of that sentence, and I can tell he’s cumming too, and fuck but that sound is so hot I think I may have cum again.

I wipe myself with the pair of boxers I carelessly discarded earlier, as we’re both listening to each other’s heavy pants over the line. My best friend is the first to speak.

“I wish I was with you right now. I miss you so much.” I hear sheets ruffling in the background as he settles deeper into bed, and god do I wish we were together now too. I could wrap my hands around him, and press his back to my chest, and kiss the back of his head, and maybe rub against his ass a little to tease him.

“I wish so too. I wish I could have you in my arms. Tell me something before I fall asleep.” I ask him this almost every night, loving when Brian shares sweet stories from his past, little anecdotes, or even confesses things he’s never told me before.

“Well, I can to tell you about one of my favorite memories that I have with you. It was about eight months ago, and we were in your house. I woke up in your bed all alone, and I remember feeling so lonely and so sad…”

“Baby.” I whisper quietly, still not sure what time he’s talking about, but so upset to hear I had made him feel this way.

“No, don’t worry, it has a happy ending.” He laughs softly, and I think to myself that we’re also going to have a happy ending. “I went downstairs to see where you were, and I found you in the kitchen, and it was an absolute mess. So I walked to you and asked you what happened and you seemed so lost, and had flour all over your chest and on your face. You said you wanted to make me pancakes for breakfast but only realized halfway through that you don’t know how. And I felt like the luckiest man alive, because you always try to make me happy and even when you fuck it up it still ends up having that result. And then you let me kiss you, and I love kissing you, and you lingered a little longer than usual, and when we broke apart you seemed so much more relaxed and you smiled at me. I remember thinking how amazing it is that I can make you smile with just a kiss, and how beautiful your smile is, and how much I can’t wait for our next kiss.” Way to rip my fucking heart out Brian. The fact that this was one of his favorite memories of ours, such a simple thing, in such a domestic setting, makes my heart clench in the most pleasurable way. I clutch at my chest and feel slight wetness in my eye.

“I love you.” Is all I manage to say, even though there is so much more I have to say to this angel.

“I love you too Brian.” He says with a serious tone, as if he wants to make absolutely sure that I believe him. I think I'm finally allowing myself to.

“I love you.” I say again, because I cannot stress this enough.

“I love you.” Brian says again, and so we both continue repeating this over and over to one another until we gradually fall asleep. Tonight I dream of that day in Palm Springs, when we were playing around in the pool, getting slightly sunburnt, and when Brian asked me for a small kiss I gave him two small kisses.


	5. Chapter 5

**Brian McCook’s POV**

I wake up in the morning feeling like the king of the freaking universe. My mind is filled with the sweet memory of last night's talk with Brian, and the cool sheets against my naked body feel incredible. I reach to my phone, where the call must have disconnected during the night, and post a picture of myself cuddled in bed to my Instagram story. I add a text that says _Feeling very blessed this morning_ , because I am feeling particularly over the moon this very instance.

A couple of hours later I’m at breakfast with the rest of the queens, when I receive a notification, telling me I have a new text. Brian.

 **The Husband:**  
_Bitch are you using my shirt as a pillowcase?_

He adds a screenshot of the picture I uploaded, and indeed you can see in it that the pillow is wrapped in Brian’s shirt that I took with me on tour. Oops. I had done it on one of the nights when he went out and we didn’t call, missing having his voice lead me into slumber, so I figured the next best thing would be his scent.

 **Me:**  
_A pillowcase, a head wrap, a cum towel, everything really_

 **The Husband:**  
_There better not be any cum stains on it!_

 **Me:**  
_Honey by now this thing is more cum than it is shirt…_

It’s not true, of course, I’m a lady and I know very well not to cum on other people’s belongings.

 **The Husband:**  
_I hate you_

 **Me:**  
_You love me!_

 **The Husband:**  
_So very true._

I smile at that, because I will literally never tire of knowing that. I’m still not absolutely sure that Brian understands the extents of my love for him, or that I’m right in thinking that he feels the same way, but he’s making it harder and harder to doubt.

 **Me:**  
_What have you been doing with my shirt?_

 **The Husband:**  
_Exactly what you told me to_

Brian then sends me a picture of his fully naked body, with my shirt sadly hiding his impressive member. My breath hitches in my throat, and I raise my head quickly to make sure Matt, who is sitting right next to me, didn’t catch a glimpse of the racy picture. He’s luckily too absorbed in conversation with Justin to even notice.

 **Me:**  
_You can’t do that to me! I’m in public you horrid cunt!_

 **The Husband:**  
_That’s not my problem…_

 **Me:**  
_It will be in about a week and a half_

Just as I write that, it dawns on me that I’m going to be seeing Brian again so soon, and the thought makes me smile immediately. His reply makes me smile even more.

 **The Husband:**  
_Can’t wait._

 **Me:**  
_Show me that beautiful face baby_

Brian then sends me a picture of himself smiling into a pillow, and fuck but he looks so gorgeous like that, reminding me of the softness in his eyes when they first open in the morning. I can’t wait to stare into them again.

 **Me:**  
_Pure perfection._

 **The Husband:**  
_Oh my god shut up already!_

 **Me:**  
_Mother may I post? The world must witness this work of art_

 **The Husband:**  
_If you photoshop me on some baby’s face I’ll kill you_

I don’t, of course, because this picture is too beautiful for me to do anything to alter it. I post it to my Instagram account, captioning it _@TrixieMattel is proof that perfection does exist._ Brian is quick to comment, writing _Careful, people might think we like each other_. I decide to continue the conversation over text.

 **Me:**  
_You’re right, god forbid someone thinks I like you or enjoy your company…_

 **The Husband:**  
_Yeah, we wouldn’t wanna lead people on like that.._

Just as I’m about to reply something cleaver, the queens tell me we need to head out to the venue and start getting ready, because today we’re doing an afternoon show.

 **Me:**  
_Gotta go now, have a good day B xx_

 **The Husband:**  
_Call you tonight?_

 **Me:**  
_Yes please_

 **The Husband:**  
_Good day babe_

Of course I’m going to have a good day when Brian Firkus calls me babe, and when I know in a few hours I’ll be hearing his voice again. How can I not?

* * *

I come back from the show absolutely drained, and carelessly strip down and toss clothes everywhere as I make my way to the bathroom. Thankfully, Justin found himself a guy for the evening, yet again. I have basically had this room all to myself this tour, and I’m pretty fucking grateful. I start the shower and get under the warm water, letting them wash over me. As I clean myself I start thinking about how in a few more hours I’ll get to speak to Brian again, and already I can feel my body heating and my heart beating faster. He’s probably just about to start his show, so maybe he’ll even indulge and text with me while the other sets are on.

In the two and a half weeks I’ve been on this tour Brian and I explored realms of our friendship, and of our beyond-friendship, that we have never touched upon before. Our kisses used to be something that went unspoken of, that remained a silent agreement – we could do it, as long as no one mentioned it. It wasn’t because we felt guilty, not at all. Even though he had been in a relationship for the past year and a half, Brian never for a minute let that change the way we behave around one another, or the frequency with which we met. On my part, I never questioned it, because it seemed absolutely natural to me. Our love for each other transcends the borders of what can be expressed through typical friendly actions, and so we did more than that. We would hold hands, we would sleep cuddled together in bed, and when it all got a bit too overwhelmingly incredible, we would kiss.

I walk out of the shower and dry myself off, thinking back to about a couple of years ago, when I came with Brian to Wisconsin to visit his family. He showed me around his town, and then brought me to his old high school. He took me to the football field, under the bleachers, and told me how he used to stay there by himself until it got dark, because he didn’t want to go home to his abusive father. I remember how my heart ached when I heard that, and I took his face in my hands and kissed him softly, telling him that now he can have a better memory from that place. He shed a tear, and we never spoke of it again, but he held my hand all the way home, and when we cuddled together on his bed that night he held me even tighter than usual.

I send him a quick text, to let him know that I’ve arrived in my room and he can call when he finishes the show. Just after I do that, I receive a call from the last number I thought would ever show up on my screen. David, his ex-boyfriend. The only reason I even have his number is because Brian wanted me to be able to reach him at all times, if there was ever an emergency and his phone was not on him. During their one and a half year relationship the man and I spoke pretty much a handful of times, and we barely ever saw each other. I was always nice to him, of course, because Brian is more important than anything and I would never want to make him feel uncomfortable. However, I could tell that David was not fond of me, to say the least, and I didn’t bother trying to get on his good side. I consider for a second to not even answer, but then think better of it and pick up the phone.

“Hello?” I answer cautiously.

“Brian?” Who else would it be you idiot?

“Yeah, hi David.”

“Listen, um... I know you and I haven’t exactly ever been the closest, but I need you to tell me where Brian will be staying next week when he’s in New York for the tour.” What the hell? What does he want to do with that information?

“Excuse me?” I don’t really know how to respond, shocked that he would even call me.

“I miss Brian. And I realize now what a huge mistake I made when I broke up with him, because he’s the love of my life. I know that you love him more than all his other friends, so I’m asking you to tell me where he’s staying because I need to talk to him. I just want to make him happy, Brian, and you of all people should want that for him.” 

His words and accusing tone absolutely break me. I hadn’t even stopped for a second to think that maybe I was just a rebound for Brian. Maybe in the aftermath of his breakup he was so confused that he started imagining feelings for me that he didn’t actually have, because of how close we are. Maybe the physical nature of our friendship, and me being so vocal about the way I feel, although I always masked it with nonchalance, have caused Brian to confuse his platonic love for me for a romantic one. Here’s a guy who has been able to make him happy and maintain a relationship with him for over a year, a guy who’s now willing to fight for him. What have I been doing all these years? Cowering away behind sexual jokes and half-assed attempts to shag Brian. Perhaps I was right all along in thinking that I would never be good enough for my angel, and he deserves someone like David, who could be a stable presence in his life. Tears start silently streaming down my face as the thoughts are running in my mind, and David shakes me from them after a couple of minutes.

“Brian? Are you still there?”

I clear my voice, knowing that I have to do the right thing for my best friend and the man I love, no matter the price, no matter the pain. “Listen, I’m not going to tell you where he’s staying, because that’s not my information to give. But I will tell you this,” I take a deep breath, and brace myself for what I’m going to say. “Brian is the most important person in my life, and I love him, and all I want in this world is for him to be happy. I’m not going to stand in your way or warn him that you’re going to come, so if after hearing what you have to say he decides that you’re the person who makes him happy, that’s his choice and I will always respect that.” I think this was the hardest thing I’ve had to do in my life, harder than rehab even. Twice.

“Okay, thank you.” And at that he hangs up.

I let the phone fall from my hand and start crying uncontrollably into the pillow that is still covered in Brian’s shirt. How did we get here? How could I have let myself believe that everything I have ever wanted will just magically fall into place? How could I forget that it’s me we’re talking about, an emotionally unstable aging addict that would never deserve someone as perfect as Brian Firkus. Of course David wants to fight for him, who wouldn’t? But I can’t be around to witness them getting back together, my heart won’t be able to handle that. I decide at that moment that I need to stop talking to Brian altogether, because if I really am to blame for his confusion then I don’t want to take part in it no more. Until he sees David and makes up his mind, I need to back off. As those thoughts keep racing through my head I find myself slowly drifting to sleep, my pillow soaking wet from the tears I couldn’t seem to stop shedding, and my chest physically aching.

At around 4am I wake up from the cold wind that snuck through the window. I get up to close it and go back to bed, checking my phone for the time. There are unread messages from Brian waiting for me, each with about an hour difference in between, meaning he must have stayed up waiting for me to answer.

 **The Husband:**  
_Just finished the show, getting a couple of drinks then heading back, call you when I’m in bed xx_  
_All tucked in and ready for my bedtime story, can I call?_  
_Falling asleep soon, what will I do without your smoker voice in my ear?_  
 _Guessing you fell asleep or went out… Sweet dreams xx_

I read his messages over and over, dying to reply but deciding against it. I need to stick to the plan, I need to be a better friend than I have been, and give Brian the freedom to make a truly informed decision about his heart and his future. I throw away my phone to the floor as angry tears start streaming down my face, making Brian's shirt wet again and erasing the faint scent of his cologne. I cry even more at that.


	6. Chapter 6

**Brian Firkus’ POV**

I wake up in the morning with a start as the bus comes to a halt in the road. I'm extremely uncomfortable since I fell asleep in my clothes last night, and my heart is inexplicably aching. When we got back from the bar I couldn’t wait to hear Brian’s voice, so I neglected taking a shower, in favor of calling him immediately. At first when he didn’t reply I stayed in bed, thinking it would only be a matter of minutes. But then the hours drew on and Brian still didn’t read the messages, leaving me feeling lonely, trying to wrap the blanket around me the way he does on cold nights. I reach to my phone to see if I have a notification from him, but frown when I find out there is none. I open the message app and see that Brian read my messages, but didn’t reply. That’s weird, and extremely unlike him, and I start getting a bad feeling in my stomach. I send him a text, wanting to know if anything had happened.

 **Me:**  
_Is everything ok?_

I decide it’s best to take my mind off it, and I go have a quick shower. When I come out I see Brian read the message, and still decided not to respond. Willam tells me that I need to hurry up and get ready, so I decide to wait instead of typing another message, hoping Brian simply got distracted as he sometimes is and forgot to respond.

The day we have is quite packed, with a photoshoot and then the meet and greet and then the show. All throughout the day I can’t keep my mind off of Brian, who's been online but hasn't written me anything. What did I do to make him stop talking to me? It was only yesterday morning that he posted my picture with that sweet caption, promising that we'll talk at night. During the show a terrible thought crosses my mind, and I hope that what I fear most hasn’t happened. Did Brian start using drugs again? I mean, the clubs there are ridden with all types of drugs, and I know some of the queens he’s on tour with are not foreign to a lot of addictive substances like that. When he came back from rehab and I asked him what I should do if this happens again, he told me to run away, so there wouldn’t be so much damage to repair when he returned to normal. Was this him distancing himself so as not to create more damage, especially now that our situation has shifted so dramatically? I decide that I have to ask him, I have to know, and hope that he'll answer me truthfully.

 **Me:**  
_Please just tell me that you’re not using Brian_

I half-expect him not to reply, but hope that he would spare me the stress of worrying about this scenario if it's not true. Thankfully, he stayed true to the kind hearted soul I know he has, and responds quickly.

 **The Wife:**  
_I’m not. I promise._

 **Me:**  
_Then what is it?_

I have to know, I have to be able to talk to him. I cannot handle the thought of losing him before I even truly had him.

 **The Wife:**  
_I need time._

Time implies that he needs space as well, which is very unfortunate considering I want to be with him in every way possible, every minute of the day.

 **Me:**  
_What did I do? How can I fix it?_

 **The Wife:**  
_You didn’t do anything Bri. I just need time._

He keeps using full stops, and I know it means he’s serious, and that he wants this conversation to end. I decide to show him the same kindness he has shown me, and respect his request, even though it absolutely kills me.

 **Me:**  
_Okay. I love you._

I really hope he knows how much I do, because maybe I had failed to show him. That awful thought wreaks havoc in me as I fall into troubled sleep.

* * *

It’s been five days since Brian and I last spoke, and I’m feeling desperate, lonely and heartbroken. I keep going through our pictures on my phone, looking at the one I took at the World of Wonder dressing room after that kiss that changed everything, looking at the picture I took of him sleeping against my front door one day when he wanted to surprise me but forgot his spare key, looking at a picture of the two of us eating bubblegum ice-cream like toddlers who can’t keep all the food in their mouths, and one of my favorite ones to look at is a picture of his that I took when he was sleeping in my bed. I had gotten up to use the toilet and when I came back I found him still fast asleep, hugging my pillow to him, as if he was trying to wrap himself around anything that remotely resembled me. I remember the way my heart did a little twist in my chest at the sight, and that after taking the picture I came to kneel next to the bed, stroked his naked back gently, and gave him a little kiss on the forehead to wake him up. I remember how his eyes opened slowly, and the sweet smile that spread across his face when he saw me, and how he got up on his elbows so he could reach my lips.

After I finish this nightly routine, I open Instagram to see if any fans uploaded a video or picture of Katya from today. These have been keeping me moderately okay these past few days, because at least I could see that Brian is up and about. As I scroll through the pictures, I see Violet Chachki has uploaded a new story, and I immediately open it, hoping to see Brian’s face. What I see does nothing to soothe me, and even achieves the absolute opposite purpose. It’s a video of Brian and Jason in front of a vanity table mirror, both in nothing but their underwear, with makeup still on. Jason comes up behind Brian and wraps and arm around his shoulders, kissing his cheek. Brian then wraps an arm around Jason’s waist and leans his head against his shoulder, probably not realizing it’s a video. Then the screen jumps to some other queen’s story and I go back to Violet’s, replaying it a few times as my blood starts slowly boiling. I know Brian is a sexual being, and I have grown to love that about him, especially now that I had the privilege of having it focused all on me, but if he had gotten together with Jason I would be absolutely fucking devastated. I think I wouldn’t be able to forgive him for that. Even though we haven’t in any way defined this thing between us, it seems pretty obvious to me that whatever it is, it doesn’t include extra people. I decide to put a pause on respecting his request for time, and text him with my burning question.

 **Me:**  
_If the reason you’ve been ignoring me is Jason I need you to tell me right now._

He thankfully reads my message almost immediately, and responds quickly.

 **The Wife:**  
_Of course not! Don’t even think that._

I let out a huge sigh of relief, but I’m still not feeling happy at all, because I just want to know what on earth is going on. I just want my Brian back.

 **Me:**  
_Then what the hell am I supposed to think Brian?_

 **The Wife:**  
_That I want you to be happy. And I’m still figuring out how to make that happen._

That stupid, dumb, idiotic cunt. Does he not realize how happy he makes me just by existing in the same universe as I do? How can he not know, and how have I failed so miserably to show him?

 **Me:**  
_You make me happy already, there’s nothing to figure out…_

 **The Wife:**  
_It’s more complicated than that Brian. I need you to give me more time._

He keeps using these full stops, and I feel bad now for trying to get him to do or say something he didn’t want to. He deserves for me to be a better and more understanding friend than that. Brian is my best friend, first and foremost, and I owe him the patience he's asking for, no matter how much it hurts.

 **Me:**  
_Okay, I’m sorry for pushing you. Just talk to me when you want, I'm not going anywhere…_

 **The Wife:**  
_You’re my whole world_

 **Me:**  
_You’re mine_

He is. He really, really is simply everything my heart orbits around, and everything my being has come to gravitate towards. Seeing him write these words gives me a jolt of hope, and I'll desperately hold onto it until the next time we speak, whenever that may be.

 **The Wife:**  
_Entirely._

I know Brian knew that I meant to say he is my world as well, but the fact is that he took my words and gave them a beautiful new meaning. _Entirely._ He said he is entirely mine. That is the most precious gift I have ever been given, and I vow to myself to protect and cherish it always. To protect and cherish him, always.

I go to my phone's gallery and pick out a picture of Katya someone posted yesterday night from their show. I took a screenshot of it because even from the stage, Brian’s blue eyes shone brightly, and it was breathtaking. I caption the picture _Fuck you Argentina for getting to spend time with my beautiful wife_ , and tag Katya in it. About three seconds later I receive a notification that @Katya_Zamo liked my picture, and I know we’re going to be okay.

* * *

A couple of days after the last time I spoke with Brian, I am already starting to feel anxious again. In four days I will be back home, him in only three days, and there is absolutely no chance that I would let him refuse to see me. The question is how much fight will he put up, and why. Today morning some fan tweeted a picture of us kissing in one of the episodes of UNHhhh, the last one we filmed before I went on All Stars 3 and our TV show started airing. That was an incredible time in my life, and soon after Brian relapsed and it all went downhill. I retweeted the picture, loving the memory of the sweet moment when everything in my life was in place. Katya liked it, and I knew I just need to keep hanging on to the little bits he’s willing to give me.

I hadn’t really been in the mood to go out with the queens after the show tonight, and we were in New York now so we finally got to sleep properly in a hotel room. I was dying to get up and stretch across the bed, hoping, like every night this week, that maybe Brian would call. As I head to the elevators, I hear a voice calling my name. I turn around, and it’s the last person I expected to see, David. I’m shocked and freeze in place, not knowing how to react. I haven’t seen him in nearly two months, ever since the break-up. To be very honest, I didn’t even think about him all that much since then. I know I loved him when we were together, and I appreciate the memories we share, but this past month has been nothing but proof that all I want and need is Brian.

He walks up to me when he sees I’m not moving, and I flinch a little when he hugs me, because I still have no clue what he’s doing here. After a few seconds I hug him back, seeing that he really needs the contact, but I break the hug shortly after.

“What are you doing here David?” I ask and fold my arms, seeing that he was planning to reach out and take my hands. I don’t mean to be rude to him, but something about this interaction feels somewhat disloyal to Brian.

“I had to come see you baby, I missed you so much.” I cringe a bit when he calls me baby, noticing how it has zero of the effect the word has when Brian uses it.

“How did you find out where I was staying?”

“Well, at first I called Brian, but he refused to tell me. So I checked the other queens’ social media and Danny posted something with the location of this hotel, so I figured you’d be staying here too.” I do a double take as I register what he just said. He called Brian! What reason did he have to do that? He pretty much hates my best friend.

“Why did you call Brian of all people? What did you tell him?” I ask sternly.

“I saw you guys’ posts on media over the past month and I wanted to see if you guys were dating now, so I called him asking for information on where you were. I told him that you’re the love of my life, and that I’ll do whatever it takes to make you happy, and that I made a mistake breaking up with you.” 

“What did he say?” I can’t help but asking, Brian’s response is far more important to me right now than what David is saying. The break-up was a harsh slap to the face, but it was not a mistake. It’s what finally forced me to face my true feelings for my best friend, and to come to terms with the fact that no matter what happens, I will love Brian unconditionally.

“He said that it should be your decision to choose who gets to make you happy, and that he won’t stand in our way if you pick me. Brian, now that I know that even though we broke up the two of you didn’t get together I feel so much safer, and I want to be with you again. I love you.”

“We are together.” I say this without thinking, instinctively. “We always have been.” And that’s just the absolute and unfiltered truth. Brian and I are together, we’re a team, we’re partners, our souls complete one another, bound together forever.

“Are you trying to say you cheated on me?” David asks me, and he looks extremely angry.

“No, of course not! What I’m trying to say is that I have been lying to myself for a very long time, trying to have a relationship with you when I always belonged to him. And I always will, and that’s not something you or I can change. It’s not something I want to change.” David sheds a tear when I say that, looking down at his hands, and I know my words are harsh but they're true and I don't want to keep lying to him. I start reaching out to comfort him, when suddenly I realize something. “Wait, when did you call Brian?”

“About a week ago, why?” Of course! Everything makes so much sense now. That’s why Brian wrote that thing about wanting to make me happy and not knowing how, and that’s why he said he needed time. He must have been waiting for David to come and plead his proverbial case, wanting to give me the option to choose my ex-boyfriend. How could he ever think I would choose anyone over him?

“I’m sorry I don’t have anything better to say to you David, but that’s just the way things are. I have to go now.” And with that, I basically sprint to the elevators and furiously press the up button. I need to talk to Brian right now. It’s time to lay it all out there. 

* * *

**Brian McCook’s POV**

After another tiring evening and a long, and much needed shower, I settle into bed and try in vain to find a position that doesn't make me feel so cold and alone. I haven’t heard Brian’s voice in a week, and every part of my body is screaming to be touched by the soft sounds he makes when he turns over in bed, or by the way he hums when I wrap a blanket tightly around us, creating a world that is all ours. I miss him painfully tonight. I miss the way he laughs like a fucking maniac at his own jokes, the effortless play of his fingers on the guitar strings, the way he strokes my arm mindlessly while we watch a movie, the touch of his lips on mine when he thinks I’m asleep, and about a million more things.

Soon enough, however, the sweet memories in my mind are replaced with a nervousness. David is going to see Brian sometime soon. Maybe it already happened. Maybe they’re even together right now. The thought makes me nauseous, and I force myself to breathe and relax. Just as I start gaining control of my racing mind, my phone buzzes, indicating a couple of new messages. I reach for it quickly and see that indeed, they are from Brian.

 **The Husband:**  
_I’m going to call you now and I need you to pick up.  
David came to see me. _

This is it. David made his case and must have caused Brian to realize that he is the safer choice. Not better; I refuse to believe there is anyone in this world more fit for Brian than I am, because we're soulmates. But there are certainly those who will make his life much easier than I ever will be able to. I reply with a thumbs up emoji, signaling him he can call. A few seconds pass and then his photo appears on my screen. What a beautiful sight he is, a bandana tied to his head and a smile as big as his heart.

“Hi.” I answer, bracing myself for what’s to come. I wrap the blanket tightly around me, so as to shield me from the pain I’m surely going to endure.

“God I missed your voice.” Is the first thing Brian says, and I really wish he hadn’t, because it’s going to make hearing what he has to say all the more difficult.

“I miss everything about you.” I tell him this because it’s the truth, and maybe it’s a bit unfair of me to say it now that he wants to end things, but I had to.

“I need you to answer something for me, okay?”

“Okay…” I answer cautiously.

“Is the reason you’ve been avoiding talking to me David?” How did he know? Did David tell him about our conversation?

“Yes.” There’s no point in hiding anything now.

“I need you to walk me through that please.” He’s asking for a lot, but I’ve never been known to refuse my best friend anything before in my life, and I don’t intend to start now.

“He called and told me how much he regrets breaking up with you, and that you’re the love of his life, and that he wants to make you happy. Brian, please just know that all I ever wanted was for you to be happy, and I never intended to confuse you. I promise, if he’s the person that makes you happy then I’m not going to stand in the way.” The memory of the talk with David is burned in my mind, and it hurts to recall it out loud. I feel, however, that there’s something I need to clarify, and put all my cards on the table. “Now, don’t get me wrong, I want to be that person for you so fucking badly, because I love you more than words could ever convey. I’ll do whatever it takes even just for a smile from you baby. But, if your happiness involves me stepping back to let you be with someone who’s a safer choice than I am, then that’s what I’ll do. You’re my best friend Brian, and your happiness is more important to me than anything else.”

“Do you know why David broke up with me?” Brian asks, surprising me that this is his question after my pretty emotional speech.   

“No, not really… You never really told me.” And I never really cared, as long as it meant Brian is single and I that I get to spend even more time with him.

“I called your name out during sex.”

That line makes me sit up in bed, my jaw slacking. What the actual fuck?

“He… He broke up with you over that?” I try to play it cool, and not to read too much into the reason why Brian may have done that. I've clearly been assuming too many things for my own good until now.

“Not exactly, but I’ll tell you the whole story. In the last few months of our relationship I only agreed to have sex with him when we’re facing away from each other, no matter which of us was topping. When David realized it, he asked me why, and I didn’t really have an answer because I hadn’t realized myself that I’ve been doing it. So, I just told him that it’s because it feels much better for me that way, and that I don’t like my face when I cum. So, one night we were… You know… In bed together, and I was about to cum, and I must have been subconsciously thinking about you, because I’m always thinking about you, so I called out your name. And then David got very upset, and made me sit down for a conversation I really would have preferred not to do when I’m naked. He told me that I crossed a line. He said I keep telling him how what you and I have is unique and that I have no way to explain it to him, so he was trying to be understanding and respectful of that, but that he’s had it. And then he called you some names, and told me that he can’t continue to be with me if the relationship you and I have doesn’t change dramatically, because the lines are starting to blur. And when he told me that, I realized that there is nothing on this planet that would make me change anything about my friendship with you, because you’ll always be my soulmate, and I can’t kid myself and deny it. So I told him that I’m unwilling to change, and he left. Brian when he slammed the door behind him all I felt was relief, and when I tried to think why I was so relieved, it hit me that for a long time I was just waiting for him to break up with me so I would finally have to face my feelings for you. I mean, when he left all I could think about was that I get to spend more time with you, and it made me so fucking happy. Baby, you’ve always been the person who makes me the happiest.”

My mind is absolutely boggled, and all words seem to have fled my mouth. I let myself lie down again on my back, staring up at the ceiling of the dark room. Is it possible that the man I have loved for so long, my beautiful best friend, feels the same way? A minute or so later I finally find my voice again.

“What are you saying?” I ask quietly, wanting to be absolutely certain I'm not assuming again.

“I’m saying what I’ve been trying to say to you every day for four years now. I’m saying that I love you. I’m saying that I’m so fucking in love with you, Brian. I’m saying you’ve never been just a friend to me and you never will be, because you’re so much more than that term could ever encompass. And I feel like an idiot for not realizing sooner, but I’m so sure of it Brian, every fiber of my existence is yours baby. You’re the love of my life.”

I… I can’t believe this. I can’t believe I’m hearing this music from Brian’s lips, telling me in an unequivocal way that he’s mine, and that his feelings for me run as deep as mine do for him. I can’t even begin to comprehend my luck that this angel loves me like that, and wants to be with me.

“Say something…” Brian says quietly, concern in his voice. How could he possibly think I feel anything but the same?

“I’m at a loss for words, Brian. You’re everything I have been praying for from the moment I was introduced to the notion of prayer, you’re the beacon of light in the crippling darkness my life can sometimes be, you’re the reason I wake up in the morning wanting to be a better person. I am so irrevocably in love with you. I am so ridiculously yours.” I start laughing as I finish my sentence, because I feel a joy that I have never felt in this magnitude before. And then Brian starts laughing too and we probably sound like crazy people, but we cannot care less.

“Oh my god!” He practically screams in his high-pitched noise, and I just continue laughing, tears of laughter and joy streaming down my face.

“I love you so much you cunt.” I say, wiping the tears away.

“Why the hell are you so far away?”

“I wish I had a good answer for that Tracy, I really do.”

“It’s okay… What’s a few more days out of a lifetime.” He says this quietly, as if testing the feeling of the words on his tongue. It feels right to hear them, and I hope he feels right saying them.

“Tell me a story.” I say to him, mimicking the request he has made on so many of our phone calls this tour. I move to lie on my side, and put the phone between my head and the pillow so I could stroke my arm the way Brian does. It’s not nearly as nice, but maybe if I close my eyes I can picture it’s him.

“Okay, let me tell you one of _my_ favorite memories of ours.” I hear sheets moving in the background, and I know him well enough to know he’s getting into the same position I’m in. I bet he’s also wrapping himself tighter with the blanket, and I wish I could be there, with my arms around him, protecting him from the cold and from the world itself. “It was like three months ago, at a point when I was already starting to realize maybe feelings for you are not just friendly. I was on your couch, and you came back with food from the delivery guy, and you just started dancing like a psycho with a carton of noodles in each hand. And I remember laughing so hard, and thinking to myself how amazing it is that you manage to make even the most mundane things so exciting. Then you just sat on me, because you’re a freak, and you forced me to have the entire meal with our faces inches apart, like the fucking tease that you are. But I didn't complain, because the closer we are the better. And you were eating something spicy, so your lips became kind of swollen and red, and I told you I wanted to taste it, so I’d have an excuse to slip in the tongue. And I loved you for not saying anything about how I could just try from the actual carton. Then I loved you even more for asking me to taste mine.”

My heart is absolutely flooded with love for my angel, and I just can’t help but think about how many of our memories I consider a favorite memory of mine, this one included. “I love you, I love you, I love you.” That’s all that I can really say.

“I can’t wait to see you again.” Brian whispers, sending shivers through my body with the anticipation of looking into his eyes again, and kissing him again.

“Dream of me, okay?” I ask him as I feel the tiredness taking over me. 

“I always do.”


	7. Chapter 7

**Brian Firkus’ POV**

I was stressed out of my god damned mind, palms sweating and all. I’m finally back in LA, having closed off the tour last night. I asked Brian not to pick me up at the airport, because I didn’t want to smell like TSA when we first saw each other again. It was hard, however, because I was practically starving to see him and kiss him again. I went to my house and took an incredibly quick shower, changed my clothes and basically sprinted to my car, texting Brian that I’m on my way. And now, here I am in front of his door, and I can’t bring myself to knock. I’m so excited to see him that I’m just frozen, and my hands won’t collaborate with my brain.

“Brian!” I call out, hoping he’d hear me through the thick door, and scolding myself for being an anxious idiot. Luckily, it seems as if Brian had been waiting close to the door, because he opens it immediately, with a confused frown on his face. That expression immediately changes when he notices it’s me standing in front of him, and his iconic smile spreads on his stunning face. The sight finally spurs me into action, and after a few seconds of smiling back at Brian like a moron, I leap forward and wrap him in my arms. I hold onto his waist tightly as he wraps his arms around my shoulders, and I pick him up slightly from the floor so I could be pressed as closely to him as possible. I breathe in the scent of his delicate cologne and body wash, and sigh with joy, because I had missed him so much.

I then pull back a bit so I could look into Brian's gleaming eyes, and I can swear I have never seen him this happy in my life. I lean in and our lips meet in the middle, in a kiss that is almost shy, because we don’t want to break the magic of the moment. We linger on each other’s lips, not moving them, just pressing them against the other and feeling the softness. Brian’s lips were made for mine, made precisely to be kissed by me, I’m sure of it. I break apart from his lips, and kiss his nose before leaning my forehead against his.

“I missed you so much.” I whisper, my breath mixing with his as we never break our tight embrace.

“I’m so happy you’re here, I love you so much.” Brian whispers back, slightly shaking his head to emphasize his words. “Now give me a real kiss baby.”

At that I let loose, and crash my lips onto Brian’s. I lick them softly so he’d grant my tongue entrance, and he opens his mouth with a moan, and I’m finally kissing my man properly again. It feels like heaven. Our tongues work together in synchrony, dancing with each other, and his lips glide sweetly and leisurely against mine, because we have all the time in the world. This kiss feels as if it's our very first, something brand new, yet also like a tale as old as time, and I guess that makes complete sense. I start walking backwards, leading us in the familiar way towards Brian’s bedroom, to do something we have never done there before. Brian is forced to tip toe the whole way, since I’m still gripping him for dear life, but he doesn’t seem to mind one bit.

When we reach the bedroom I practically throw him on the bed, and he bounces a little with a surprised laugh at my sudden dominance. I’d let him do whatever the hell he wants to me, but I need to show him as well just how crazy he drives me. I take off my shirt as he watches me, and then crawl up his body, licking my lips at the sight of him, even when fully clothed. When I come to lie on top of him I brace both my elbows on the bed, and let my lips nearly touch his, teasing. He tries to lean up, but I avoid his lips with a smug smile, wanting to see how he’ll react. I know he enjoys being dominant, so I let him prove it.

And prove it he does, because next thing I know, he flips us over so I’d be lying on my back, and captures my lips in a kiss that steals all the air from my lungs. He brings one hand to stroke my cheek gently, as he kisses me harshly, biting on my bottom lip, and the mixture of sensation makes me whimper, wanting to feel him everywhere. When he releases my lip from between his teeth he gives it a small lick, calming down the flesh, and I smile at the sweet gesture and at the knowledge of how wild I can make him.

“You are not allowed to refuse my kisses ever again, understood?” He asks me breathlessly, his brow raised. He looks dangerous, and sexy as fuck, and like a living angel, so all I can really do is nod and lean up again to kiss him. Brian has other plans however, and ducks down his head to place a scorching hot kiss on the spot right below my ear. I let my eyes flutter shut at the pleasure, and raise one hand to softly stroke his hair as he places wet kisses down my neck. When he reaches a spot he seems to like, he starts sucking down on it hard, and I can’t muster up the will to tell him not to leave a bruise. I’m his, and he can do anything he wants to my body to mark me as his. That’s what makeup is for anyways.

I groan when he bites the sore spot lightly, so he presses a sweet kiss to it and proceeds with his journey. He reaches one of my nipples and takes it in his mouth, letting his tongue play with it, and then moves to do the same with other, and I can't help but moan. My eyes are shut so tightly now, because he’s working magic on my body and it’s taking everything I have in me not to cum right there and then. When I feel him fumbling with the button of my jeans my eyes fly open, and he’s looking at me for my approval, as if I’d ever deny him access to my body.

“But take off your clothes too.” I tell him, feeling as if the anticipation has glued me to the bed and all I can do is lie there and watch my man. He smiles up at me and strips my pants and underwear off with a force, causing my hard cock to slap against my stomach, where I can feel it’s already leaking pre-cum. I’m so ready. Brian then stands on the floor near the foot of the bed, and looks directly at me as he slowly lifts up his shirt and exposes his now quite chiseled chest and tattooed arms. I love the sight of him this way, so manly and beautiful. Without breaking eye contact, he slips down his jeans and underwear as well, letting them pool at his feet, and kicks them away. When he’s fully naked in front of me, dick hard and pulsing, he takes it in his hand and tilts his head as his eyes travel my body from my feet up. I feel as if he’s eating me alive with his heated gaze, and when he starts tugging on his own shaft slowly I feel my mouth watering at the sight.

“I need you inside me.” Is all I manage to say, the words barely leaving my lips, my eyes roaming every inch of Brian.

“Not so fast baby.” Brian smiles, and finally comes back to the bed, pressing his body flat against mine. I buck up immediately, rubbing our hard members together and moaning at the feeling. He caresses my cheek gently and gives my lips a soft peck before speaking again. “Do you think you can wait a little longer?” He asks against my lips.

“I’ll wait a lifetime as long as you’re touching me.” I reply. And it’s true, as long as Brian’s hands and lips are on me, I can die a happy man.

He smiles affectionately and kisses me, and then makes his way down my body once again, with a new map of open-mouthed kisses. I’ll never tire of feeling Brian's lips on me. When he reaches my stiff cock he takes it in his hand, letting his tongue circle around the head before he takes it into his mouth. He starts working his way up and down slowly, teasing me again, and uses his other hand to play with my balls. It feels divine and I grip the sheets as he tortures me, throwing my head back and letting the warmth of his mouth around me set my body on fire. Without further notice he lets my cock slip from his mouth, and I open my eyes to see him getting off the bed and walking to the nightstand, pulling out a bottle of lube. I gulp and force myself not to explode with how much I need Brian to touch me again. 

“Turn around baby, on your knees.” He tells me, and I’ve never seen his blue eyes so dark before in my life. I do as he says, my body buzzing with expectation to feel what he does next. Brian goes to kneel behind me as I lean on my elbows, jokingly wiggling my butt in the air. He laughs at that and give me a firm spank, causing me to gasp. “I’m sorry baby, I’ve been dying to do that for four years.” He says, caressing the cheek that’s likely turning red now. Not that I mind in the least. Just as I’m about to answer him, I feel warm lips press against my sensitive area, making me lose my train of thought and groan into the pillow. Brian then lets his tongue move in tantalizing circles around my entrance, moving his hands to grip my ass tightly. He starts thrusting his tongue in and out of me quickly, making me dizzy, and I need him inside me so much I can’t wait any longer.

“Brian, please.” I say, out of breath, having absolutely no issue begging for him to fuck me.

With a final long lick to my hole, Brian’s mouth leaves me, and I hear the lube bottle opening. A wet finger stars prodding at me, wetting the surface before slowly making its way into my body. I shudder with anticipation, knowing I need to let him prepare me for his size. He then slips inside another finger, and I bite the pillow below me at the incredible stretch.

“Tell me when you’re good to go baby.” Brian says as he moves his fingers in and out of me, his other hand softly grazing my thigh.

“I’m so ready.” I moan, loving all the feelings he's stirring in my body and soul.

“Come up here.” He whispers, gently taking his fingers out of me. I get up on my knees and straighten my back against his chest, feeling his member already slick with lube against my rare side. Brian wraps an arm around my waist as he positions himself, and then enters my body inch by agonizingly amazing inch, making me grunt. He bites my shoulder roughly as he goes further in, wrapping his other arm around me as well, and I bring my hands to his, fingers intertwining.

“I love you so much.” He whispers in my ear as he bottoms out, and I almost lose the ability to speak once again tonight, because he’s stretching me in the best way possible, and my heart is pounding relentlessly in my chest.

“I love you baby, you feel so good.” I say back once I find my voice, leaning my head back against his shoulder.

Brian starts moving then, and my world becomes a blur, my eyes rolling to the back of my head as he thrusts slowly in and out of me, testing the feeling. It feels so good I can hardly breathe. Brian takes my exposed neck to his advantage, and starts kissing and nibbling his way down, letting go of one of my hands so he could wrap his fingers around my cock. I moan loudly, and he groans, and our sounds mix together in the room as he strokes me and quickens the pace of his hips against mine.

“Headboard.” Is all he says, letting go of my other hand as well, and I understand what he wants. I lean forward and hold onto the headboard, and Brian tightens his grip on my waist and his grasp on my shaft. He starts slamming in and out of me faster and faster, groaning cuss words that only serve to turn me on more. I use the headboard as leverage against him, letting him hit my most sensitive spot with every thrust of his hips. I cry out his name over and over again, feeling myself approaching the edge and thanking god that I don’t care for shit about his neighbors. All of a sudden, he leaves my body completely, and I’m about to actually cry like a baby. Then he speaks and I want to cry for a whole other reason. “Not like this, let me look at you.” He says, and I immediately turn around. Brian looks manic, but in the sexiest way possible, and I grab his face and kiss him with a force that’s worth about four years of loving him.

We move down together and I go to lie on my back, spreading my legs wide apart as Brian comes to lie on top of me. “Better?” I ask with a smile, still holding his gorgeous face in my hands.

“The best.” He answers, taking my lips with his and entering my body again. He moans brokenly into my mouth and the sound mixes with my own low groan, because we fit perfectly together. I let my hands travel down his back as he picks up his pace right where he left off, one hand pumping me like a glove and the other holding up his weight on the bed. The sound of his hips hitting mine fills the room, and my lips are burning from the fire we've ignited with our kiss. “I’m gonna cum baby, cum with me.” Brian grits through his teeth once he breaks apart from me, and I let my fingernails bite into his shoulders as I feel myself tumbling over the edge as well.

I groan like a freaking animal then, arching my back and releasing into his hand and onto my stomach, tightening around him as he keeps pounding into me. “Come on baby, cum for me.” I say, still riding the waves of my own pleasure. With a final few harsh thrusts that makes me scream his name, Brian cums as well, filling me up and letting the hand that was gripping me move up to my face. He kisses me again and again as his body shakes, hips making tiny movements still as he gasps between kisses. I stroke his back softly to calm him, feeling the scratches I had left with my nails rising on his skin. Our lips move against each other’s lazily, and we can’t seem to be able to stop kissing. We never were able to stop kissing.

“I love you, I love you, I love you.” Brian whispers, punctuating each with another kiss.

“I love you more than anything in this world baby.” I say back, overjoyed the feeling of his body pressed against mine this way, and by the sight of his beautiful smile. “But this is going to get a bit sticky if we don’t clean up.” I smile up at him, and kiss him again because I cannot possibly resist. He pouts but agrees, pecking my lips one last time before lifting off and heading to the bathroom to get a damp towel. When he comes back he sits down next to me, wiping me clean with nothing but love in his eyes, moving then to clean himself as well. Once finished he throws the towel in the hamper, and bends down to pick something I cannot see from my point on the bed. When he straightens back up I see he’s retrieved our phones from our jeans and I look at him with a confused frown.

“I need to make a call.” He says, coming to lie next to me in the bed, turning to his side and handing me my phone silently. I take it, still not understanding what’s happening as he dials someone I cannot see.

My phone rings then, and I look at him questioningly, no clue what he’s up to. He just nods at me, encouraging me to answer. I mimic his position, lying on my side with the phone pressed between my head and the pillow, my free hand finding his in the middle of the bed.

“Hello?”

“Hi baby, how are you?” Brian asks, and releases my hand to turn off the lights in the room.

“A bit confused, but happiest I've ever been nonetheless.” I answer, smiling at his stunning face as he takes my hand in his again, playing with my fingers the way he likes.

“I wanted to tell you a story before bed.” The warm street light that seeps through the window allows me to see that he winks when he says that, and I laugh a little, so insanely in love with him.

“Go on my love.”

“About four years ago, this person walked into my life, and changed absolutely everything I thought I knew about the world. He came strutting in with a blonde wig and a map, pretending to be lost, and I thought to myself that maybe I was the one lost all this time, because looking at his overly painted face I felt more at home than I ever did before in my life.” My heart swells when he tells me that, and I can feel a tear in my eye. I lean forward to give him a gentle kiss, still gripping the phone to my ear but coming to rest on the same pillow as him. From now on, I don’t want there to be even one unnecessary inch between us. “And as the years drew on, he became my friend, and then my best friend, and then he became the most important person in my life. This barbie doll of a man turned everything upside down and became the first thing I think about when I wake up in the morning, and the last thing I think about before going to bed, and also pretty much all I think about in between. And as we became closer, he started letting me kiss him. And let me tell you, kid, if there’s one thing I want to do for the rest of my life, it’s kissing Brian Michael Firkus.” I laugh when he uses my full name, and kiss him again, because if it’s his favorite activity I’m the last one to deny him of it. It’s my favorite thing to do in the world too. Well… that and, you know… But the point is clear. He gives me two more kisses and then continues his story. “And with every kiss, I could feel my heart filling up with the craziest feelings in the world, and I knew that some day they would just come bursting out, and all I could do is hope that he feels the same. And then I realized that this angel has been showing me love in return for longer than I can remember, and that no two friends in the world kiss as much as we do.” I laugh and blush at that, because I know that it’s true, but we were dumb back then, lying to ourselves to protect our hearts. It was foolish, but I don’t care, because we’re here together now and that’s all that matters. “And then he told me in the clearest way possible that he loves me, that he’s in love with me, and I love him too, with all my heart.” Brian whispers this last part, and I look at him with teary eyes, about to kiss him when he speaks again. “And also he’s the best fuck I’ve ever had!” He adds, and I use our joint hands to push him.

“Oh my god, why must you be like this?” I ask laughing, hanging up the call and throwing my phone away. Brian’s laughing hysterically, and he looks so fucking beautiful that my heart is threatening to beat out of my chest. I take his phone from him since he cannot seem to calm from his fit of laughter, and throw it away as well, coming to lie on top of him and pinning his hands above his head, which finally gets his attention. “You're my whole world.” I say against his smiling lips.

“You’re my whole universe baby.” He says and leans back up again and kisses me, and I cannot even remember where one kiss ended and the other began, as the night drew on with lips on every inch of skin. All I know is that this night is another favorite memory for bedtime stories.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had an incredible time writing and re-editing this story and really really hope you enjoyed it! Please leave a comment to let me know what you thought! xxx


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